Well, folks, the NBA decided to fix what wasn’t working by… completely reinventing the wheel! After last year’s defensive masterpiece (and by defensive masterpiece, I mean the East’s casual 211-186 victory that had Adam Silver looking like he’d eaten a particularly sour lemon), the league threw out the traditional format for something more… let’s say “creative.”
Picture this: A mini-tournament where three teams of actual All-Stars compete against checks notes the Rising Stars winners. Because nothing says “NBA All-Star Game” quite like watching Victor Wembanyama play against both the world’s best and his fellow rookies in the same weekend. Draymond Green was thrilled about this development (and by thrilled, I mean he went on a rant that would make your angry uncle at Thanksgiving proud).
Shaq’s “OGs” team took home the glory, probably because they were the only ones who remembered this was supposed to be competitive. Steph Curry won MVP, presumably for trying.
But wait, there’s more! The dunk contest gave us Mac McClung, the G League sensation who’s made “jumping over people while slightly pushing off them” into an art form. He three-peated, which is impressive until you remember he won three of the weakest contests in NBA history. It’s like being the best player in your local YMCA – sure, it’s an achievement, but let’s not compare it to Vince Carter’s Oakland masterpiece.
The real entertainment came from the Skills Challenge, where Wembanyama and CP3 decided rules were more like guidelines and got themselves disqualified. Nothing says “All-Star Weekend” quite like watching an NBA official awkwardly shut down a live TV interview!
And in the three-point contest, Tyler Herro won because Buddy Hield couldn’t hit water if he fell out of a boat in his final rack. Classic.
The weekend’s saving grace? Ja Morant tweeting about maybe possibly potentially considering thinking about doing the dunk contest next year. Don’t hold your breath – we’ve all been burned by LeBron’s empty promises before.
But hey, at least we got 45 whole minutes of basketball in a three-hour window! That’s efficiency for you, folks. The NBA: Where “fixing” something means making it weirder, and somehow less basketball-y than before.
At least the Hall of Fame nominations made sense – Melo, Sue Bird, Dwight Howard, and Maya Moore. Because sometimes, just sometimes, the NBA gets something right.
P.S. Draymond thinks the Warriors (currently chilling in 10th place) will win it all this year. And I think I’m going to win the lottery tomorrow.